The Etiquette Of The Handshake – It’s Not For Men Only

“When did women start shaking hands? It feels awkward.”

Recently, a very bright, talented, professional woman asked me that question. Initially, I was startled. Yet, as I thought about the question, I realized that many women in my seminars are reluctant to shake hands, and others do so incorrectly.

In today’s workplace, shaking hands is not for men only. The handshake is the business greeting, and both men and women need to shake hands, and to do so correctly.

One woman said she got her job because she shook hands at the beginning of the interview and at the end. The manager told the woman that he chose her because she handled herself so professionally.

Why do women sometimes feel uncomfortable about shaking hands? The reasons vary:

1. Some women were never taught to shake hands. It is not that these women were told not to do so, it is that they were not taught to do so. One woman in an etiquette class was shocked when she realized that she was not teaching her four-year-old daughter to shake hands, but she had already started teaching her two-year-old son to shake hands.

2. Women bring the personal greeting of kissing friends on the cheek into the workplace. This can be awkward, since you will not want to kiss or hug everyone you meet at work, nor will everyone be comfortable with that greeting.

3. Many women were taught that they did not need to stand when shaking hands. Before each of my seminars, I walk around the room to introduce myself to my participants and extend my hand in a greeting. Approximately 70 to 75 percent of men, but only 30 to 35 percent of women, stand to shake my hand. You establish your presence when you stand. Both men and women need to stand when shaking hands.

You will be judged by your handshake. Be honest: What do you think if someone gives you a limp handshake? Yes, you tend to think of that person as weak and unimpressive.

To shake hands properly, you should extend your hand with the thumb up. Touch thumb joint to thumb joint. Put your thumb down, and wrap your fingers around the palm of the other person. Your grip should be firm, but don’t break any bones – it’s not a competition. Two to three pumps is enough. Face the person, and make eye contact.

And one more thing: It used to be that men needed to wait for the woman to extend her hand. Not anymore. The new guideline is to give the higher-ranking person a split second to extend his or her hand, and if he or she does not, you extend yours. The key is that the handshake needs to take place.

Additional information on the handshake and greetings can be found in my new book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw Hill). Reserve your copy now at Amazon.

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Is Your Diction Affecting Your Professional Image?

A participant in a recent communication seminar told me about her experience in another training session, where the instructor used the phrase “All’s you gotta do.” After she heard that phrase, she stopped listening.

In the above example, the instructor’s use of language detracted from his message. It may not be fair, but people often judge others on the quality of their diction. They may make negative assumptions about someone’s intelligence or education, based on that person’s word choice.

We may pick up the use of these nonstandard words from their use in marketing or creative fields. Think about the song I Gotta Feeling from the Black Eyed Peas, and its well-known line: I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night. Though I like the song, I would not encourage the use of gotta and gonna when speaking to others.

Recently I heard the following phrases used in business:

· Are youse finished with the project? Use just you. The word you is both singular and plural in the English language.

· Didya get to the meeting on time? Use did you.

· All’s you gotta do. According to an article in the New York Times, all’s started off as a contraction of all as, but it is generally considered a substandard word today. Instead of all’s, use all, and instead of gotta, use have to.

· I'm gonna get it for you. Use I’m going to or I am going to.

What do you think? Do you use any of the above expressions? Please don’t tell me you don’t use these phrases until you really know that is accurate. Years ago, I found out I was using gonna, and didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out to me.

Start monitoring yourself and find out about your use of language. You can use your voicemail system to listen to your messages before you send them, to gain awareness of your diction. Let me know what you discover.

Previous blogs also discuss language: Do You Belittle Yourself? Three Things Not To Say in a Presentation and Word Choice Etiquette: I Think You Should Avoid "I Think."

Pachter’s communication seminars and coaching sessions also empower professionals to use language to their advantage. Contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com for more information.