Use These Two Communication Secrets to Get What You Want

A mother said to her three-year-old daughter, “When you get a chance, can you please clean your room?”

The young girl responded, “Mom, no, I'm not gonna get a chance.”

A colleague told me this story about her daughter, and after I stopped laughing, I had to tell her that she hadn't used a little-recognized, yet powerful communication tool. Since she had hired me to teach assertiveness for her organization, I felt comfortable giving her this feedback.

Her stumbling block? My colleague had used a question instead of a direct assertive statement. Using a question (Can you please clean your room?) allows the other person to make the choice, and you may not get what you want. You are being less direct.

Using a direct statement, such as “Sweetie, I want you to clean your room before lunch,” makes it very clear what you expect, and as a result you are more likely to get it. Of course, there are no guarantees with three-year-olds, but even with children, you have a better chance of getting what you want when you are direct.

This “secret” can also work in the workplace. Listen to the difference: “Boss, I would like to go to the conference next week,” versus “Boss, may I go to the conference?” Both are polite, but which one sounds more likely to give the speaker what she wants? The direct statement usually has more success.

The second communication secret was summed up in Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back. In that movie, Yoda, the Jedi Master, proclaims: "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."  

Be cautious with the use of the word “try,” if you want others to be accountable for their action or inaction. If you say to your employee, “Please try to meet the deadline,” he or she can always say later, “Well, I tried, but something else came up.”

You can be polite and still use a straightforward statement, such as, “I need you to meet the deadline.” As mentioned above, when you are direct, you are more likely to get what you want.

Monitor yourself over the next few days. Is your word choice preventing you from getting what you want?

For additional tips on effective communication, check out my book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes.  

Barbara Pachter provides training and coaching on communication and business etiquette. For more information, contact Joyce Hoff at 856.751.6141 or joyce@pachter.com.

6 Tips To Remember When Evaluating Feedback

What do these three examples have in common?

• A young woman was told by an instructor that her giggle during her presentation was cute, and fit her personality.

 • A woman’s husband, after she asked him if her skirt was too short for an important business meeting, responded “No, your legs look great. Keep it short!”

 • A young man was told by a colleague to chew gum to help him overcome his nervousness when presenting.

I believe the above business professionals all received feedback that was flawed.

It is important to receive feedback, because it helps us to grow. After numerous years of giving seminars, I still pay attention to the comments I receive from my participants. But how do you decide which suggestions really can help you to grow as a professional, and which ones to ignore? I suggest asking yourself these 6 questions:

1. Who is giving the feedback? Is the person an expert? If so, the feedback is a gift, and I would seriously consider following the person’s suggestions. If the person is not an expert, I would put the comments on the back burner. But remember, when customers make suggestions, it is a good idea to implement them where appropriate.

2. Do you perceive a pattern in the feedback you get? A solitary criticism or observation may be just one person’s opinion, but if you notice a lot of similar comments, chances are there is some truth to the feedback – positive or negative.

3. Have you learned as much as you can about the comment? Engage with the person giving the feedback. You could say, “Tell me more” to gain additional information. Or, you can paraphrase what you have heard. Saying something like, “You’re suggesting that…” and putting the feedback into your own words will ensure that you have grasped the person’s points. The woman who was told it was okay to giggle could have asked, “Are you saying that it will be professional for me to giggle in the business world?” (The answer is no.)

4. Is the feedback emphasizing your sexuality? Workplace feedback should address your competency, not your sexuality. The woman’s husband in my example was flattering his wife, but not taking into consideration her corporate environment. He didn’t understand that “sexy is not a corporate look.” He’s not alone. Based on the attire of some newscasters, or the actors portraying professionals on television shows, it’s not surprising that many people come to believe that it is okay to dress provocatively in business situations. It isn’t.

5. Have you checked with other seasoned and successful professionals? The young man who was told to chew gum did check with another professional, who pointed out that the gum chewing would create another problem – his audience would be distracted. She then gave him other suggestions to overcome his nervousness, such as practicing out loud and telling yourself positive things. (Additional suggestions on presentation skills can be found in my book: The Communication Clinic.) 

6. Have you done research on your own? Read books on the topic. Read articles on the web. The internet makes it very easy to research any topic. Just make sure the authors of the articles are experts in whatever topic you are researching.

Pachter & Associates provides training and coaching on business etiquette, presentation skills and communication. For more information, contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141.

Need to prepare a presentation quickly? Follow these 7 guidelines

I was just given an assignment to present at a community meeting, but I have very little time to prepare. What should I do?

This question was asked by one of my students, and it brings up a communication dilemma – how do you put together a presentation when you don’t have a lot of time to prepare?  This task can baffle the best of us. But there’s no need to panic. Here are some suggestions to put together a presentation quickly:   

1. Think about your audience. Who are they? How much do they already know about your topic? What more do they want to know? If you address the needs and concerns of the people in your audience, they are more likely to listen to you.  

2. Define your objective and the key points quickly. You don’t have time to waste. People often spend too much of what little time they have agonizing over these items. Make a decision and get started. You can now focus on what you want to convey to the audience. (Additional information on structuring your presentation can be found in my book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes.) 

3. Consider whether you have any stories to support your key points. Stories bring your presentation to life. Keep them succinct and to the point. Your audience will remember the story, and as a result, they’ll also remember the message in your presentation.

4. Practice out loud. Have at least one practice. You want to hear how the presentation sounds.  

5. Pay attention to your delivery. You want to appear confident and credible – even if you are uncomfortable. Use good posture, and look at people in the audience. Don’t sway. Avoid nervous fiddling, such as playing with a pen or rubber band. Dress slightly better than your audience, and speak loudly enough to be heard. 

6. Don’t discount yourself. Avoid comments that belittle you or your talk. These include such statements as, “I hope I don’t bore you; I didn’t have a lot of time to put this together…” or “I know you didn’t come here just to hear me.”  

7. Anticipate the questions. Once the presentation is together, spend just a couple of minutes thinking about the questions that you may be asked. Decide how you will respond to them. If you do, you are less likely to be caught off guard.

There is a lot more you can – and should – do to prepare for a presentation, but these quick tips will help you prepare an effective presentation when time is short.

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on presentation skills, business writing, professional presence, and etiquette. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. (www.pachter.com)

Look at the Camera! And 6 Other Tips for Posting Your Headshot

I couldn't make out his face.

She looks completely different from her photo.

I couldn't believe she had sunglasses on her head!

The comments above were made by business professionals about photographs accompanying profiles on LinkedIn. Unfortunately, many businesspeople post photographs of themselves on LinkedIn and other social media sites that detract from their professionalism.

I have written about this before, but it’s a message that bears repeating: Your professional image is conveyed through your photograph. It is part of the first impression you make on others. You should post a photograph that is professionally appropriate, and makes you look like a credible, approachable person – not like someone who just came from the gym.

In another life, I was a professional photographer – the first woman photographer at what was then one of the largest 10 newspapers in the country – so I offer the following as my recommended guidelines for photographs used in any business context:

1. Post a headshot – not an environmental portrait. Many sites ask for a profile photo. A headshot highlights your head/face, and usually shows your shoulders and part of your chest. You are the focus of the picture, and people can see you clearly in this type of shot. An environmental portrait places you in a setting that may relate to your profession, but your face is usually a smaller part of such a photograph. These pictures are often used as additional photos on a website, but are not recommended for headshot postings.

2. Look at the camera and keep your head straight. You should be looking directly at the person who is viewing your photo. Many women have a tendency to tilt their heads. Why? I don’t know. But don’t do it. You look less self-assured when you do.

3. Use a clear, uncluttered and well-lit setting. Don’t let the background overpower your image. You should be the point of the photo and people should be able to see you plainly. Check that there aren’t any dark shadows obscuring your face.

4. Make sure your face is in focus. The background may be slightly out of focus, but your features need to be sharply defined, not blurred. Let people see your eyes. Wearing dark glasses hides them. Have a pleasant facial expression. If you are frowning or scowling, why would I want to hire or work with you?

5. Wear appropriate professional or business-casual attire. Appear as you usually would in a business situation. This may mean that you are freshly shaven, or wearing make-up and jewelry. Do not let your accessories (earrings, necklace, glasses) overwhelm your headshot. Additional information on business dress can be found in my book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw-Hill).

6. Choose a recent photo that flatters you. Sounds obvious, but people don’t always pay attention to their choices. This does not mean you need a glamour shot, but you should look like a competent professional in the photograph. If your photo is more than 8 to 10 years old, people may be very surprised when they meet you.

7. Hire a professional photographer. If all of this seems overwhelming, hire someone who takes photos for a living. It’s worth the investment.

Below is my new corporate headshot taken by a professional photographer, Joey Del Palazzo. Let me know what you think.

I post regularly on communication and etiquette. We can connect via LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook or my website:pachter.com
 
About: Barbara Pachter is an internationally-renowned business etiquette and communications speaker, coach and author of 11 business books. She helps individuals communicate more effectively and enhance their professional presence. Pachter is also adjunct faculty in the School of Business at Rutgers University. (bpachter@pachter.com)  

6 Tips To Encourage Questions From Your Audience

How do I get people in my audience to ask questions?
 

A vice president of a major healthcare company asked me this question during one of our coaching sessions on presentation skills.

No one had ever asked me that before!

Often presenters want to avoid anything to do with the Q&A segment of a presentation, but he wanted questions so he would know whether his audience had grasped his concepts. This desire for feedback is just one reason to encourage questions. There are others.

For example, you seem more approachable as a speaker when you take questions. Plus, how you answer the questions, and participate in any discussion that follows, can help explain and/or enhance your ideas and clarify any misunderstandings. In addition, the types of questions asked may let you know your participants’ opinions of your suggestions.

Try these 6 suggestions to encourage people to ask questions:

1. Let the audience know when you will be taking questions. Don’t assume your audience knows; tell them at the beginning of your talk. In a more informal talk or training session, participants may be encouraged to ask questions throughout. (“I’m open for questions throughout my presentation.”). Or, if the presenter doesn’t want to interrupt the flow, he or she can ask the audience: “Please save your questions until the end of my talk.”

2. Non-verbally encourage questions. Keep your body language open, and don’t cross your arms. Look at your audience. Move towards audience members when you can. Pause after you ask for questions – don’t rush to start talking. This gives the participants a few seconds to formulate their ideas. Additional information on nonverbal communication can be found in my new book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes.

3. Use an open-ended question. If you say to your audience, “What questions do you have?,” you are telling participants you assume that they have questions and, as a result, they’re more likely to speak up. If you say, “Do you have any questions?,” it is easy for people to say “No.” 

4. Request questions on a specific topic. You can expand on the above open-ended question and pinpoint a particular area of your presentation. For example, if you have discussed the budget, you can ask, “What questions do you have about the new budget items?” Also, asking about something you just discussed can help you transition from one part of your talk to another.

5. Have participants write their questions and submit them beforehand. This can be effective with large audiences or audiences at remote locations. You can answer some of the questions during your presentation, or refer to them at the end.

6. Be prepared with your own first question. When you ask for questions and no one speaks up, you can offer one of your own by saying, “A question I am often asked is… .” Hearing you answer a question often makes audience members feel more comfortable asking questions of their own. Or, you might consider coordinating with a participant before your presentation, and arrange for that person to get things started by asking a specific question.

This blog addresses how to encourage questions from your audience. There’s a lot more to discuss about handling questions, including how to prepare for difficult ones. But that’s a blog for another day.   

I post regularly on communication and etiquette. We can connect via LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook or my website:pachter.com
 
About: Barbara Pachter is an internationally-renowned business etiquette and communications speaker, coach and author of 11 business books. She helps individuals communicate more effectively and enhance their professional presence. Pachter is also adjunct faculty in the School of Business at Rutgers University. (bpachter@pachter.com)  

Avoiding the ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ Committed by Workers

I had to fire one of my employees because he hadn’t shown any initiative in my fast-paced, creative work environment.

A colleague made this comment to me, and I responded that her employee had committed one of the Workers’ Seven Deadly Sins – the work traits that lead to employees being ignored, not promoted, or even fired.

In today’s highly competitive workplace, you want to be seen as a helpful and vital employee. You want to stand out, in a positive way. Ask yourself if you exhibit any of the negative traits below, and resolve to eliminate them if you do.

1. Not showing initiative. Are you trying new or better ways to accomplish your work? Be proactive. Is your employer gaining anything extra from you? As my colleague’s employee found out, most employers want you to go above and beyond.

2. Paying little attention to details. Are there mistakes in your work? Notice the little things, proof your writings, and double-check any numbers. There can be consequences if you don’t. One engineer wrote the wrong house number on a work order – and his employees ripped up the wrong driveway.

3. Not offering to help. You come across as a team player when you do offer help. Before she left for the day, one young woman always asked her boss, “Is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?” She quickly rose up the corporate ladder.

4. Not staying current with changes in your profession. You don’t want to be left behind. Continue learning. Stay abreast of any trends in your field. Take advantage of any training your company offers. Stay up-to-date with technology, including changes in social media.

5. Not having a professional demeanor. You want to convey a confident and credible image. Be aware of your verbal and nonverbal communication. Are you speaking too softly or loudly? Are you dressing appropriately for your position? Do you use filler words (“okay,” “all right,” “like”) that take away from your comments? Are you using profanity that destroys your credibility? Additional information on professional presence can be found in my new book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes.

6. Not conveying enthusiasm for your job. Show interest in your work. Be eager to get the job done, and done well. Arrive on time, or early. Stay late when necessary, without complaint. Give sincere compliments. Speak well of others, avoid downbeat topics, and stop complaining. Don’t criticize your employer, your boss, customers, or your co-workers on your social media sites.

7. Not being friendly. Nobody likes to work with people who ignore them. Smile. Make an effort to say “hello,” “good morning,” etc. to people you know – and to those you don’t know.

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on communication, career development, business writing, presentation skills, professional presence, and etiquette. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. (www.pachter.com) 

Not for Men Only! The Etiquette of the Handshake

“When did women start shaking hands? It feels awkward.”

A very bright, talented, professional woman asked me that question. Initially, I was startled. Yet, as I thought about the question, I realized that many women in my seminars are reluctant to shake hands, and others do so incorrectly.

The topic is attracting attention beyond my seminars. The dos and don’ts of handshakes have been in the news lately, largely because of the widely publicized handshake between President Trump and French President Macron.

It seemed like a good time to revisit my blog on this important business greeting.

In today’s workplace, shaking hands is not for men only. Both men and women need to shake hands, and to do so correctly.

One woman told me she got her job because she shook hands at the beginning of the interview and again at the end. The manager told the woman that he chose her because she handled herself so professionally. Another woman realized that she had been the only one at her table who stood when she shook hands with her CEO.  As a result, she had a conversation with him; the other individuals did not.   

Why do women sometimes feel uncomfortable about shaking hands? The reasons vary:

1. Some women were never taught to shake hands. It is not that these women were told not to do so, it is that they were not taught to do so. One woman in an etiquette class was shocked when she realized that she was not teaching her four-year-old daughter to shake hands, but she had already started teaching her two-year-old son to shake hands.

2. Women bring the personal greeting of kissing friends on the cheek into the workplace. This can be awkward, since you will not want to kiss or hug everyone you meet at work, nor will everyone be comfortable with that greeting.

3. Many women were taught that they did not need to stand when shaking hands. Before each of my seminars, I walk around the room to introduce myself to my participants and extend my hand in a greeting. Approximately 70 to 75 percent of men, but only 30 to 35 percent of women, stand to shake my hand. You establish your presence when you stand. Both men and women should stand when shaking hands.

You will be judged by your handshake. Be honest: What do you think if someone gives you a limp handshake? Yes, you tend to think of that person as weak and unimpressive.

To shake hands properly:
•    Extend your hand with the thumb up. 

•    Touch thumb joint to thumb joint with the person you are greeting. Put your thumb down, and wrap your fingers around the palm of the other person. 

•    Make sure your grip is firm, but don’t break any bones – it’s not a competition. 

•    Don’t over-pump. Giving two to three pumps is enough. Face the person, and make eye contact.

And one more thing: It used to be that men needed to wait for a woman to extend her hand. Not anymore. Today’s guideline is to give the higher-ranking person a split second to extend his or her hand, and if he or she does not, you extend yours. The key is that the handshake needs to take place. 

Additional information on the handshake and greetings can be found in my book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw-Hill). 

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on business etiquette, communication, business writing, presentation skills, and professional presence. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. (www.pachter.com)

Top 10 Smartphone Annoyances in the Workplace

I love smartphones. I really do. They make our lives easier in so many ways. In my presentation-skills seminars, for example, participants find it easy to use their phones to record their talks. And if you can’t remember the date of an event or the name of someone famous during a conversation, it’s so convenient to be able to look up the information on your smartphone.

But in the workplace, there are many ways people use their smartphones that are rude to others. After talking to many business professionals and observing the behavior of numerous attendees in meetings and in my seminars, I compiled this list of the “top 10” things people do with their phones that annoy others. Do you recognize any of these behaviors?

1. Placing your phone on the table when meeting with someone. Having your phone visible tells the other person, “I am so ready to drop you and connect with someone else.” Plus, research has shown that the presence of the phone inhibits conversation. (This is true for group meetings, also.)

2. Placing two phones on the table. Some people carry both a work phone and a personal phone. This doubles the insult! See above.

3. Using a cell-phone holder. When a phone is placed in a holder, the phone is upright on the table. People are no longer sneaking glances at their phones, they are directly looking at them while “listening” to others! This is just so rude. Read #1 again.

4. Using a Bluetooth headset. This looks like a cockroach in your ear.  (Yes, I do have strong opinions about this.)  I am not talking about the hands-free headsets that receptionists use. I am talking about the headsets worn all too often by people who chat away as they walk around the office, looking as though they are talking to themselves. Or, even worse, you think they are talking to you. 

5. Wearing a Bluetooth necklace. Though these necklaces may be more discreet initially, once you use those earbuds, it’s too easy to leave them in your ears or let the cords dangle on your chest.

6. Texting under the table. Texting under the table during a meeting is disrespectful to the speaker and to the other participants. You may think that your actions are not visible, but your body language gives you away. If you do not want people to text while you are speaking, don’t text when others are addressing the meeting. (Additional information about texting can be found in my new book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes.)

7. Forgetting to put your phone on vibrate. This can happen to anyone. I know. I have forgotten. If this happens to you, say, “I’m sorry,” and turn the phone off immediately – and be especially apologetic if your phone continues to ring because you can’t find it quickly.

8. Answering your phone during a meeting – and then starting a conversation while walking out of the room. The reality of business today is that sometimes you must take a call during a meeting. But please wait until you are out of the room before talking. In some circumstances, you may need to answer and say, “I will be with you in a moment.” But again, wait until you are outside the room before you have your conversation.

9. Speaking too loudly. I have been talking about the need for people to lower their voices for years. Many people speak far too loudly when they are on their phones.  Speak in a quiet, conversational tone. If you don’t, others may overhear your conversations, including any sensitive or confidential information you discuss.

10. Using a ring tone that startles or scares people. You don’t want your colleagues or business associates to be shocked when your phone rings.

What annoying phone habits have you observed in the workplace that are not on this list? Please add your comments.  

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on communication, business writing, presentation skills, professional presence, and etiquette. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. (www.pachter.com)

Do you agree with “No, I Agree”?

Why does my manager say “No, I agree” – when she agrees with me? It doesn’t make any sense to start with a “no.”

This question from a seminar participant reminded me that I have meant to discuss this communication conundrum for some time.

The above manager who confuses my seminar participant is using what I call a “contradictory phrase.” This is a term frequently used to describe an expression where the first part seems to contradict the second, as in “organized chaos” or “original copies.” This type of wording is sometimes called an oxymoron, and is often intentionally used for humor or to create rhetorical effect. Examples include “pretty ugly” or “sweet sorrow.”

However, this article is not about crafting such wording for literary effect. This is about the specific use of “no” as the first part of a phrase, followed by wording that seems contradictory. As illustrated above, this can occur when someone agrees with you by saying, “No, I agree.” It also pops up when someone tells you that you are correct by saying, “No, you’re right.” Other examples include, “No, I’m certain,” “No, you’re fine,” and “No, I’m sure.” 

This is a kind of verbal idiosyncrasy that many people don’t notice – but once they become aware of its use, it can drive them crazy.

So why do people use these types of phrases? Based upon my research, I have come up with three reasons:

Sometimes these phrases are said sarcastically, such as on this ecard that’s part of the humorous “rotten” series: No, you’re right. Let’s do it the dumbest way possible because it’s easier for you. 

Or, the person says “no” as part of an unspoken addition to a comment, such as “No, I don’t disagree with that. I agree.” The other person is supposed to know what was left unsaid and fill in the blanks. And sometimes in casual conversation that will happen. But not always.

And sometimes people just say “no” as a matter of course. There are some people who have a tendency to respond negatively to any comment or request – at least at first. I admit that I did that when my son was young. Saying “no” immediately gave me a second to evaluate what he wanted, before I (sometimes) agreed to his request. I found myself making comments such as, “No. [slight pause] You can sleep over at Max’s house.” When I realized how often I was saying things like that, I stopped saying “no” and replaced it with the phrase “Let me think about it.”

Other solutions to eliminating these types of contradictory phrases include:

• Eliminate the “no.” Simply state your response. Instead of saying, “No, you’re right,” say, “You’re right.” It’s a more positive comment.

• Explain the unspoken.  Instead of saying, “No, you’re fine,” you would clarify, “No, I don’t think you’re inappropriately dressed. You’re fine.”

Additional information on communication can be found in my book The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success. 

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on communication, business writing, presentation skills, professional presence, and etiquette. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at  joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. 

Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net