'Bossy' or Not…Part 2: How You Speak – and Stand – Can Hurt You

Last week, I talked about “Ban Bossy,” a campaign launched by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg to persuade society to stop calling assertive young girls bossy, as it discourages them from becoming leaders. Similar behavior in boys, she points out, is applauded as leadership material.

But it’s not always outside influences that can handicap women’s careers. As I discussed last week, I came across one of my old newsletter articles that listed 25 behaviors women exhibit in the workplace that cause them to lose power and visibility. Unfortunately, many women still practice those behavioral traits today, and by doing so they handicap their own careers.

Part one of my blog about these behaviors talked about the first 11 items on that list, including how to present yourself in meetings and how to promote your achievements. The comments I received in response, from both men and women, were terrific, including “interesting,” “fascinating,” and “good stuff.” The analytics from the posting showed that many people forwarded the blog to colleagues, and others posted it on their Facebook pages or tweeted it to their followers.

I believe that this week’s discussion will be equally helpful. Part two offers suggestions (below) about several other areas in which you can increase your visibility and power, and help your own career.

SPEAK WITH POWER:
12. Don’t say, “I don’t know,” when you do know. These are the three little words that many women use towards the end of their comments that wipe out their credibility.  A woman may outline her thoughts on a topic and then say, “Oh, I don’t know,” or “But I don’t know. What do you think?”

13. Watch out for “I think.”  If you say “I think,” you are indicating that you are unsure or don’t know. If that is true, then the use of “I think” is okay.  But women have a tendency to use “I think” when they know. One vice president wanted to persuade a client that her company could meet the client’s deadline. During her presentation, she said, “I think we will meet your deadline.” The client went elsewhere.

14. Use direct statements instead of questions. When you use a question instead of a statement, you are giving the other person the opportunity to say “no.” Instead of giving away your power by asking, “Can I add something?” say, “I’d like to add to that.” Instead of asking, “Could you clarify that statement?” say, “I need additional information.”  More information on assertiveness can be found in my book, The Power of Positive Confrontation.

15. Speak loudly. If I could say just one thing to women after 20 years of helping them to get and maintain the visibility they deserve, it would be: “Speak up!”  Women often speak too softly, and make it easy for others to tune them out.  

16. Eliminate the giggle. Many women giggle at the end of their sentences, and often don’t realize it. It makes them sound like little girls, and that’s a real power drain. Ask a trusted friend or colleague if you have this tendency, or try to listen to yourself. One woman found out she had this habit when she heard her twin sister giggling at the end of her sentences.

ESTABLISH RAPPORT WITH OTHERS:
17. Greet and acknowledge others. As you walk around, say hello to people – the ones you know and those you don’t know. Many employees judge the effectiveness of their managers on whether they greet and acknowledge others.

18. Enter a room confidently. Walk into a room as though you belong there.  Keep your head up and your shoulders back. Have a deliberate stride.

19. Make small talk. I hear lots of reasons from women why they don’t want to make small talk. Some women say it’s not their personality. Others say if they make small talk with men, the men will think they are flirting. Think again!  Small talk is an important business tool.  It breaks the ice with people, establishes common ground, and allows people to get to know one another better. And you can talk to men without your intentions being misunderstood. Just keep the talk professional and not too personal.

20. Be proactive.  Go up to people at professional gatherings. Don’t just wait for people to come to you. Introduce yourself with a line like, “Hello, I’m Barbara Pachter. I’m one of the speakers for the meeting. And you are…?” Shake hands, also.

ESTABLISH YOUR PROFESSIONAL IMAGE:
21. Pay attention to your body language. Don’t cross your ankles while standing. An amazing number of women still do this. It makes them look awkward and nervous. Stand assertively – no slouching, and feet shoulder-width apart. Don’t wring your hands or play with rubber bands, paperclips, or your hair. If you do, you are telling people you are nervous.
 
22. Shake hands correctly.  Many women weren't taught to shake hands. Others are under the impression that women don’t have to shake hands. Wrong! And a limp handshake is almost worse than no handshake. To shake hands correctly, touch thumb joint to thumb joint. Your grip should be firm but not bone-breaking.

23. Stand up when shaking hands. Many women also were taught that they do not need to stand. I disagree. Women do need to stand, otherwise they are sending the message: “I’m not as important.” You are on more equal footing when you stand up.  When I shake hands with the participants in my seminars, only 35% of the women stand; 75% percent of the men stand.

24. Dress appropriately.  A very bright and competent woman was told she wasn’t promoted because of her sexy dressing habits. In a professional situation, you don’t want to wear clothing that’s too low, too short, too sexy, or too anything. Think about the message you are sending when you wear short skirts. You’re not saying, “Look at me because I know what I’m doing.” You’re saying, “Look at me because I have great legs.”  Additional information on business and business casual dress can be found in my new book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success.  

25. Don’t become the “mother.” Your role is not to “take care of” or “baby” others. After a coaching session with me, a woman cleared the table as we were leaving my office.  When I asked her why she did this, she said, “I guess I feel like it’s my responsibility to clean up messes.”  

Regardless of whether young girls hear the word “bossy” applied to them, women who want successful careers can, and should, take a look at their own behavior in the workplace to make sure that they aren’t holding themselves back.

Pachter & Associates provides training and coaching on communication, business etiquette and professional image.  For more information, contact Joyce Hoff at 856.751.6141 or joyce@pachter.com.

'Bossy' or Not, Business Women Can Handicap Their Careers

There has been a lot of media focus lately on Sheryl Sandberg’s new campaign for empowering girls, Ban Bossy. The campaign’s website, www.banbossy.com, states that “words like bossy send a message: don't raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys – a trend that continues into adulthood.”

Sandberg is Facebook’s Chief Operating Officer and the author of Lean In, a book about corporate leadership for women, so her words carry a lot of weight.

But whether you agree with the program or not, and some do not (Sheryl Sandberg wrong on 'bossy' ban, declared an opinion column on CNN), there are specific behaviors that women exhibit in the workplace that can cause them to lose visibility and power. These verbal and non-verbal actions send the message: “It’s OK to discount me,” “Don’t listen to me,” and “Don’t take me as seriously as that man on the other side of the table.”  

Recently I came across one of my old newsletter articles that encouraged women to tune in and pay attention to their visibility and power factors. The promotion-hindering behaviors described in 25 items in that article are still occurring, and still limiting women’s careers.

One extra point. I could apologize that this blog is longer than most of mine, but I won’t. As a female in the business world, I, like many women, have had to learn not to apologize when there is nothing to apologize for….  But to make it easier for the reader to absorb, I have split the information into two blogs. Here are the first 11 points:

IN MEETINGS:
1. Contribute – even if it’s a stretch. Women tell me that contributing in meetings can be difficult, especially if they are of lower rank than the other participants, or the only woman present. Get over it! You need to contribute, or your visibility factor goes to zero. Men tend to contribute more, so their ideas are adopted more often. Be prepared. Before a meeting, consider what you might be asked or what you can contribute. Speak early – ask a question or make an observation or statement. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to build up your nerve to speak.  

2. Don’t ask permission to talk. Women often ask, “May I say something?” Others raise a hand to “request” permission to speak.  One high-level corporate lawyer was shocked when she realized she was the only person in the meeting raising her hand. Instead, say something like, “The question remaining is…” or just start talking to add your point.

3. Interrupt. Interrupting can be an annoying speaking habit, but sometimes it’s vital for women to put aside the niceties to create an opportunity to speak. When interrupting, you can say, “To build on what you are saying…” or “We also need to discuss….”

4. Be assertive if interrupted.  When a man interrupts a woman, she often will stop talking. When I was teaching in Oman, a woman pointed out that she had noticed that American men interrupt American women on our TV shows. That’s a reflection of reality in our culture, so women have to resist the impulse to give up the floor automatically to men. Don’t ask permission to continue, such as “Can I finish?” Jump right back in with a polite and powerful comment such as, “Hold that thought…,” “I wasn't finished…,” or “I’ll talk about that in just a second….”

5. Stand when appropriate to present your ideas. Women stay seated much too often. Standing is a more powerful position, because it forces others to look up to you.

6. Don’t take notes. A woman told me she was the only person in the room taking notes when others spoke. The men just listened. As a result, she appeared to be the administrative assistant.

7. Know when to stop talking. Women tend to give too much detail. If you go on and on, others will tune you out. Make your point succinctly, and then stop talking!

BECOME A SELF-PROMOTER:
8. Toot your own horn. You don’t want to be obnoxious, but you must learn to speak well of yourself. You can weave your accomplishments into a story or illustration, as if you are offering the information for the other person’s benefit.  An example of this is the Oman story described in item 4 above.  You now know that I have taught in the Middle East.

9. Give formal presentations. Giving presentations increases your visibility within your company/department. As a bonus, it can help you become known as an expert.  If public speaking makes you nervous, take a class on presentation skills. Giving effective presentations is a skill that can be mastered, with training and practice. Additional information on presentation skills can be found in my new book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette. 

10. Accept compliments.  Women often discount themselves when given a compliment.  If someone tells you, “Great job,” don’t say, “Oh, it was nothing,” or “Anyone could have done it.”  Accept that compliment by saying, “Thank you,” and then shut your mouth!

11. Eliminate self-discounting language. Self-discounting words include: kinda, sorta, maybe, perhaps, probably, just, and actually. These are the extra words that, when added to sentences, discount what the speaker is saying.  If you say, “Maybe we have to look at all the possibilities,” others will think, “Well, should we or shouldn't we?” If you say, “It’s kinda a problem and perhaps we should…” the other person could dismiss the whole idea as wishy-washy.

Next week: Part two will cover speaking with power, establishing rapport, and professional image.

Pachter & Associates provides training and coaching on communication, business etiquette and professional image.  For more information, contact Joyce Hoff at 856.751.6141 or joyce@pachter.com.