Don’t Kill Your Career With Your Fork

My girlfriend showed me how to use my utensils, but I’m not sure she is correct. I have a job interview at a fancy restaurant coming up. Help. 

My colleague never puts his knife down when eating. Is that correct?

I read that there is a “finished position” for utensils. What is that? 

I have received a number of questions about correct behavior during a business meal, especially concerning the use of utensils.

People can get nervous when dining for business. And with good reason. You don’t want to blow a deal or a job offer based on your dining manners. To help people in my corporate classes remember what not to do with their utensils, I created these four examples:

1. Waving William: You wave your hands around with your utensils in them when you are talking at the table. Beware – the food on the utensils may go flying toward your neighbor! It’s best not to do much gesturing at all while you are dining, and never with a utensil in hand.

2. Finger-Pusher Fran: You want to eat every last bite, so you use your finger to help push food onto your fork. The days of the “clean plate club” are over. If you can’t get the food onto your fork without using your finger, leave it on the plate. Or, eat Continental style. In this style, the knife is used to push food onto the back of the fork.

3. Pitchfork Pete: You make a fist around your fork when cutting your meat. You look like you are holding a pitchfork! You should hold a fork with the handle inside the palm of your hand, and use your thumb and index finger to manipulate it.

4. Split-Personality Susan: You employ both the American and Continental styles of using utensils during one meal. When eating in the American style, you cut your meat using both knife and fork, then place your knife at the top of the plate and switch the fork to the dominant hand to eat. When eating in the Continental style, you still cut your food with both knife and fork, but then you eat the meal without putting the knife down or switching the fork to the opposite hand. As mentioned above, you use the knife to guide food onto the back of the fork. It’s generally best to use just one style.

 Other Suggestions for Your Utensils:

•  Do not use your knife to cut your bread rolls. Break your roll in half, then tear off one piece at a time, and butter each piece as you are ready to eat it.

•  Place your knife and fork in the rest position (knife on top of plate, fork across middle of plate) to let the waiter know you are resting but not done with your meal. Use the finished position (knife and fork together diagonally across the plate, knife on top) to indicate that you have finished eating.

Additional information about business meals and your career can be found in my book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw Hill).


Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on business etiquette, presentation skills, professional presence and business writing. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at  joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141.

Don’t Take Your Neighbor’s Bread…and Other Dining Suggestions

Is it okay to hit on the waitress during a business meal?

This week, I will be teaching a class on dining etiquette at the Rutgers Career Center in Camden, NJ.
 
As I prepared for this event, I thought about some of the questions I have been asked at other seminars on dining etiquette that I have taught to business professionals and university students around the country. 

The question above came from a young man at a fraternity dinner. It is one of many questions that my participants have asked about how to handle themselves at a business meal – though this one was a little more unusual than most.

The answer to the young man’s question was a pleasant, “No... The dinner is a business activity.” He smiled back and said, “I thought you would say that!”

Generally, the questions participants asked were more involved, with many requiring an understanding of the correct placement of dishes and utensils. They included:    

-Have I used the right water glass?

-What are those utensils at the top of my plate?

-Am I eating my neighbor’s bread?

-When is it okay to take my napkin off the table and place it on my lap? 

Reading a place setting accurately during a business meal is important – you want to spend your time connecting with the other diners, not worrying whether you have used the correct bread plate.

Since place settings vary depending on which restaurant you visit, knowing some general guidelines can be helpful. Here are six suggestions, along with an illustration of a sample place setting:

1. Use the following memory tricks. They will help you remember the correct placement of plates, glasses and utensils.

-Think of the “BMW” (Bread, Meal, Water). It will remind you that your bread-and-butter plate is on the left, and your water glass is on the right.

-Remember your “Left” and “Right.” Food is placed to the left of the dinner plate. The words food and left both have four letters; if the table is set properly, your bread or salad or any other food dish will be placed to the left of your dinner plate. Similarly, drinks are placed to the right of the dinner plate, and the words glass (or drink) and right contain five letters. Any glass or drink will be placed to the right of the dinner plate.

Left and Right also work for your utensils. Your fork (four letters) goes to the left; your knife and spoon (five letters each) go to the right.

2. Learn the utensils. Don’t be like the great dramatist Oscar Wilde, who said: “The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.” The largest fork is generally the entrée fork. The salad fork is smaller, and, depending where in the world you are dining, the salad may be served before the main course or after. The largest spoon is usually the soup spoon. If you are having a fish course, you may see the fish knife and fork as part of the place setting. The utensils above the plate are the dessert fork and spoon, although these may sometimes be placed on either side of the plate, or brought in with the dessert.

3. Place your napkin on your lap when you sit down. The waiter sometimes does this for you. If there is an official host for the dinner, wait until she puts her napkin on her lap, and then do the same. 

4. As a general rule, navigate your place setting from the outside in. Each course should have its own utensils. Additional information on place settings and dining can be found in my book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success. 

5. Don’t panic if you use the wrong utensil. When the course arrives for which you need that utensil, just ask the waiter for another. If a dinner companion uses your utensil, quietly ask the server for another.

6. Do what your host does. If you don’t know what to do, copy what your host is doing. You may not be right, but you are not wrong.

I post regularly on communication and etiquette.  We can connect via LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook and my website: www.pachter.com

About: Barbara Pachter is an internationally-renowned business etiquette and communications speaker, coach and author of 11 business books. She helps individuals communicate more effectively and enhance their professional presence. Pachter is also adjunct faculty in the School of Business at Rutgers University.

Don’t Kill Your Career With Your Fork

My girlfriend showed me how to use my utensils, but I’m not sure she is correct. I have a job interview at a fancy restaurant coming up. Help. 

My colleague never puts his knife down when eating. Is that correct?

I read that there is a “finished position” for utensils. What is that? 

I have received a number of questions recently about correct behavior during a business meal, especially concerning the use of utensils.

People can get nervous when dining for business. And with good reason. You don’t want to blow a deal or a job offer based on your dining manners. To help people in my corporate classes remember what not to do with their utensils, I created these four examples:

1. Waving William: You wave your hands around with your utensils in them when you are talking at the table. Beware – the food on the utensils may go flying toward your neighbor! It’s best not to do much gesturing at all while you are dining, and never with a utensil in hand.

2. Finger-Pusher Fran: You want to eat every last bite, so you use your finger to help push food onto your fork. The days of the “clean plate club” are over. If you can’t get the food onto your fork without using your finger, leave it on the plate. Or, eat Continental style. In this style, the knife is used to push food onto the back of the fork.

3. Pitchfork Pete: You make a fist around your fork when cutting your meat. You look like you are holding a pitchfork! You should hold a fork with the handle inside the palm of your hand, and use your thumb and index finger to manipulate it.

4. Split-Personality Susan: You employ both the American and Continental styles of using utensils during one meal. When eating in the American style, you cut your meat using both knife and fork, then place your knife at the top of the plate and switch the fork to the dominant hand to eat. When eating in the Continental style, you still cut your food with both knife and fork, but then you eat the meal without putting the knife down or switching the fork to the opposite hand. As mentioned above, you use the knife to guide food onto the back of the fork. It’s generally best to use just one style.

Other Suggestions for Your Utensils:

•  Do not use your knife to cut your bread rolls. Break your roll in half, then tear off one piece at a time, and butter each piece as you are ready to eat it.

•  Place your knife and fork in the rest position (knife on top of plate, fork across middle of plate) to let the waiter know you are resting but not done with your meal. Use the finished position (knife and fork together diagonally across the plate, knife on top) to indicate that you have finished eating.

Additional information about business meals and your career can be found in my new book, The Communication Clinic: 99 Proven Cures for the Most Common Business Mistakes (McGraw Hill, December 2016).


Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on career development, business presentations, professional presence, etiquette and communication. For additional information, please contact Joyce Hoff at  joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141. 

Don’t Take Your Neighbor’s Bread and Other Dining Suggestions

Is it okay to hit on the waitress during a business meal?

Lately, I have taught many dining-etiquette seminars to business professionals and university students around the country. The above question from a young man at a fraternity dinner brought a smile to my face. It is one of many questions that my participants have asked about how to handle themselves at a business meal – though this one was a little more unusual than most.

The answer to the young man’s question was a pleasant, “No... The dinner is a business activity.” He smiled back and said, “I thought you would say that!”

Generally, the questions participants asked were more involved, with many requiring an understanding of the correct placement of dishes and utensils. They included:  

-Have I used the right water glass?

-What are those utensils at the top of my plate?

-Am I eating my neighbor’s bread?

-When is it okay to take my napkin off the table and place it on my lap?

Reading a place setting accurately during a business meal is important – you want to spend your time connecting with the other diners, not worrying whether you have used the correct bread plate.

Since place settings vary depending on which restaurant you visit, knowing some general guidelines can be helpful. Here are six suggestions, along with an illustration of a sample place setting:

1. Use the following memory tricks. They will help you remember the correct placement of the plates, glasses and utensils.

-Think of the “BMW” (Bread, Meal, Water). It will remind you that your bread-and-butter plate is on the left, and your water glass is on the right.

-Remember your “Left” and “Right.” Food is placed to the left of the dinner plate. The words food and left both have four letters; if the table is set properly, your bread or salad or any other food dish will be placed to the left of your dinner plate. Similarly, drinks are placed to the right of the dinner plate, and the words glass (or drink) and right contain five letters. Any glass or drink will be placed to the right of the dinner plate.

Left and Right also work for your utensils. Your fork (four letters) goes to the left; your knife and spoon (five letters each) go to the right.

2. Learn the utensils. Don’t be like the great dramatist Oscar Wilde, who said: “The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.” The largest fork is generally the entrée fork. The salad fork is smaller, and depending where you are in the world, the salad may be served before the main course or after. The largest spoon is usually the soup spoon. If you are having a fish course, you may see the fish knife and fork as part of the place setting. The utensils above the plate are the dessert fork and spoon, although these may sometimes be placed on either side of the plate or brought in with the dessert.

3. Place your napkin on your lap when you sit down. The waiter sometimes does this for you. If there is an official host, wait until she puts her napkin on her lap, and then do the same. 

4. As a general rule, navigate your place setting from the outside in. Each course should have its own utensils. Additional information on place settings and dining can be found in my new book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success.

5. Don’t panic if you use the wrong utensil. When the course arrives for which you need that utensil, just ask the waiter for another. If a dinner companion uses your utensil, quietly ask the server for another.

6. Do what your host does. If you don’t know what to do, copy what your host is doing. You may not be right, but you are not wrong.


Pachter & Associates provides training and coaching on business etiquette, business dining and communication. For more information, contact Joyce Hoff at 856.751.6141 or joyce@pachter.com

The 8 Deadly Sins of Executive Dining

A seasoned professional asked a vice president to lunch to pick his brain about his industry. She planned to change fields, and wanted his input. She also knew that at some point he might consider hiring her. What, she inquired, were some quick tips that would help her to make a good impression and stand out as a gracious host.

Lately I have been getting questions from high-level executives and business owners about dining with clients. Since the economy has been improving, they are entertaining their clients and potential clients more often, and want to feel comfortable in restaurants.

The purpose of a business meal is business. You are not there for the food, though you may need to eat. Here are 8 mistakes that executive diners should avoid:

1. Picking an inappropriate restaurant. Match the restaurant to the guest. Don’t take a very important client to a mediocre eatery. You want your guest to feel valued. Make sure the restaurant’s atmosphere is conducive to talking, with no TVs or loud music. Check in advance whether your guest has any dietary restrictions. If he or she does, review the menu ahead of time and make sure there are suitable entrees.  

 
2. Forgetting to make a reservation. You don’t want to be turned away, or have to wait in the lobby. Forge a relationship with a restaurant’s staff by becoming a regular. They will know you and your preferences, address you by name, give you a better table, and, in a pinch, find a table for you when the restaurant is booked. 
 
3. Not being in charge. As host, you need to take charge of the logistics of the meal. Direct your guest to the best seat. Recommend menu items. Make sure your guest’s order is taken first, and make a wine selection based on his or her preference. Don’t have the check come to the table; you can arrange payment with the restaurant beforehand. The woman who asked me for some tips did this, and reported that her guest was impressed.

4. Failing to keep the table balanced. If your guest orders an appetizer, so should you. The same is true for drink and dessert. If you don’t want alcohol, order a non-alcoholic drink. You don’t want to make your guest feel uncomfortable by eating a course alone.  And speaking of ordering, you should order what you know how to eat, what you like to eat, and what is easy to eat. This is not the time to experiment.

5. Using your utensils improperly. Many business diners are confused about the correct way to maneuver a fork and knife – American or Continental style. Either style is acceptable, but be consistent and correct in your usage. When eating in the American style, you cut your meat using both knife and fork, then place your knife at the top of the plate and switch the fork to the dominant hand to eat. When eating in the Continental style, you still cut your food with both knife and fork, but then you eat the meal without putting the knife down or switching the fork to the opposite hand.  (Additional information on utensils and dining can be found in my new book The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat, and Tweet Your Way to Success.) 

6. Taking your guest’s bread. To remember that your bread plate is to the left of your dinner plate, you can think of the BMW car. The “B” on the left stands for Bread, “M” in the middle stands for Meal, and “W” on the right stands for Water. However, if your guest takes your bread, don’t mention it.

 7. Not facilitating small talk. As the host, you need to make sure conversation flows. Do your homework. What topics are of interest to your guest, and what is important to him or her? Be prepared to ask questions and contribute to the conversation.  

 8. Drinking too much. Stay sober. You can easily say or do something you will regret if you have too much to drink.

 

Pachter & Associates provides training and coaching on numerous etiquette topics, including dining. Contact Joyce Hoff at 856.751.6141 or Joyce@pachter.com for more information.

 

 

Interviewing? Here’s What To Do The Night Before

One man arrived 30 minutes late for his interview. He had programmed his GPS too quickly the night before, and had entered the street address as “Drive” instead of “Place.”

Another woman was nervous the night before her interview, so she had a few drinks. She was hung over during her early interview the following morning.

Neither of these applicants received job offers. Obviously, their candidacy was hurt by their bungling activities the night before their interviews. Don’t sabotage yourself. Follow these night-before suggestions so you will shine during your job interview.

1. Get directions to the interview site. Be certain of the location. You don’t want to get lost. Not only will your stress level increase, but you could arrive late. If driving, don’t rely solely on your GPS. Double-check your route on Google maps or MapQuest. Have a full tank of gas, and anticipate traffic. Do a dry run, if possible. And plan to arrive a little early.

2. Revisit the company’s website and social media sites. You should have researched the company already, but spend just a few moments checking again. Find out if there have been any significant developments. Has the company launched a new product? Acquired a new company? Achieved a significant following on a social media site? Knowing up-to-date information demonstrates an interest in the company.

3. Prepare for small talk. Usually, an interview will start with some small talk, in which you should participate. In addition to discussing what you have found on the company website, be familiar with what’s going on in the world/nation/community. Watch the evening news on TV, or read news sites on the web. (Avoid discussing sex, politics or religion.)

4. Know what you will wear. Don’t wait until the morning of the interview to decide on your outfit. Try on your clothes the night before. Make sure that they fit, and are clean and pressed. (It is a good idea to keep your interview clothes ready, as interviews can be scheduled on short notice.)

5. Review the stories/examples that you will use when answering questions. You should have practiced answering questions previously, but spend a little time reviewing what you plan to say.

6. Have your materials ready. Plan to take extra copies of your resume or examples of your work. Keep them in a nice leather portfolio, and carry a good pen.

7. Know what questions you will ask. Towards the end of an interview you will usually be asked if you have any questions. Make sure you have some questions ready, as this demonstrates your interest in the position. You can adapt the following to suit your situation: What initial training is there for the position? What brought you to this company? What would you consider key successes for this job?

8. Have a stress-free evening. Stay away from alcohol, and avoid quarreling with family or friends. Get a good night’s rest. You want to function at your best, and having enough sleep will allow you to be at the top of your game.

And, on the day of the interview:

9. Know what caffeine does to your body. If you like and need the jolt that caffeine provides, drink your morning coffee. If caffeine makes you jumpy, avoid it.

10. Give yourself a pep talk. On the way to the interview, you should prepare mentally. Tell yourself positive things. I suggest saying something like, “I can do this. I can handle this.”

Additional information can be found in my book, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw Hill).

Pachter & Associates provides seminars and coaching on business etiquette and communication for organizations worldwide. Contact Joyce Hoff at 856-751-6141 or joyce@pachter.com for more information.

In a Restaurant, To Introduce or Not? Tips for a Tricky Etiquette Situation

A colleague recently asked me about a situation that easily can become awkward when people are dining out for business. She wrote in her email:

During a meal with some colleagues, a man stopped at my table to greet me. I didn’t introduce him to the other people at the table. His body posture (he was following someone ahead of him and had his body turned semi-away from the table) seemed to convey he was moving on. Should I have made introductions? What do you do when people stop by your table when you are dining with others? And what should I have done, since I couldn’t recall his name?

It’s natural for people who see others they know to want to greet them. It can feel rude if they don’t. Generally, all that is needed in a restaurant is a brief acknowledgement, a “Hello” possibly followed by a quick comment or two.

If a polite greeter becomes an “interrupter” by staying at the table beyond a brief exchange, the person’s presence can affect the flow of the meal by disrupting the conversation at the table and causing discomfort for those not included in the new conversation, as well as allowing the diners’ food to grow cold. If introductions are attempted, polite diners attempting to rise to acknowledge the interrupter can easily knock over glasses or dishes on the table. Clearly, this is a situation to be avoided if possible – unless, of course, the “interrupter” is your CEO, in which case by all means invite him or her to join you.

Here are a few general guidelines that I offered my colleague to manage a potential “interrupter,” which work equally well for business or social occasions:

1. You usually don’t need to make an introduction if the interruption is very brief. In my colleague’s situation, it was clear that the man was moving on.

2. Ideally, people realize that they are interrupting others and keep their conversation to a minimum. If you get the sense that the person wants to talk, you can say something like, “It has been really nice seeing you. Let’s catch up next week.”

3. If your conversation with an “interrupter” goes beyond a brief comment or two, you need to make introductions. At that point, if you cannot recall his name, you would have to admit it. You could say something like, “I can’t believe it – I’m blanking on your name.”

Additional etiquette information can be found in my book, When The Little Things Count...And They Always Count.

And look for my new etiquette book coming this summer, The Essentials of Business Etiquette: How to Greet, Eat and Tweet Your Way to Success (McGraw-Hill).

Be A Guest: Dinner In Three Acts

A young man was about to attend his first business dinner with potential clients. Although his boss would be the host, the young man was nervous about handling himself professionally during the meal.

I suggested that he think of the meal as a three-act play. The restaurant is the stage and he is an actor, playing the role of the guest.

But, I told him, preparation for the show starts before he leaves home. It is important that he dress appropriately. The dinner is a business activity, and he needs to project a professional image. He should know the route to the restaurant, anticipate traffic, and arrive a few minutes early. He needs to greet and shake hands with the other people in his group. Although he is not the official host, it is still his job to help others have a good time.

Here are the three acts that can help anyone feel more comfortable when dining for business:

First Act
During the First Act, you are setting the stage for the meal. Subtly review the place setting and remember the mnemonic BMW, which in this case stands not for the car but for Bread-Meal-Water. This way you will know that your bread-and-butter plate is to the left, water glass to the right. Place your napkin on your lap when you sit down. (The waiter may do this for you, or, if there is an official host, wait until she puts the napkin on her lap, and then do the same.)

Look at the menu and quickly decide what you want to eat. You will appear indecisive if you can’t make up your mind. My mantra is: Order what you know how to eat, what you like to eat, and what is easy to eat. A business meal is not the time for sloppy or difficult-to-eat dishes – stay away from spaghetti, big juicy hamburgers, and lobsters. Your selection should be in the mid-price range.

Business talk can occur after the order is taken and before the food is served.

You begin eating in the first act if an appetizer, soup or salad is served. Each course should have its own utensils and, generally, you use the utensil farthest from the plate and work your way towards the plate during the course of the meal. Hold and maneuver your utensils correctly. (No pitchfork grips.)

Second Act
During the Second Act, your main course is served. (At a very formal meal, a fish course may be served immediately before the main course.) Make only pleasant comments about your food. Do not send your food back unless it really is inedible. To do so would disrupt the flow of the meal, and potentially embarrass the host. Drink any wine served cautiously and stay sober.

This is the time to talk about topics other than work. Participate in the small talk. Get to know the other people at the dinner, and let them get to know you.

Third Act
In a real play, the Third Act is the most important, as this is when everything is resolved. I think it is the most important because it’s when dessert is served! Coffee is usually served, also, and this is a nice time to tie up any loose ends about business. The host takes care of paying the bill.

Shake hands with, and say goodbye to, the other guests and your host. Thank all of them for a pleasant evening. Make sure you follow up promptly on any business-related promises you made to the potential clients.

There is a lot more information on dining. Read more about business meals in When The Little Things Count.

The following blogs also provide more suggestions on dining etiquette:
-Place Settings: The Secret Language of Dining
-How To Treat The Wait Staff With Respect

The Dining Error Continuum: What Type of Dining Errors Are You Making?

Do you find it stressful when you are required to attend a business meeting that includes dining? Are you concerned that your manners will cause you embarrassment in front of your boss, customer or potential employer?

You are not alone.

A participant became upset during a class I teach on dining etiquette, believing that he had made a faux pas. I had corrected the placement of his knife – the blade of his knife had been facing away from his plate instead of towards it. Before I could calm him down, another diner said, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s just a misdemeanor!”

I thought, “He’s right.” There is a continuum of severity with dining errors, from serious mistakes to minor ones. And when people understand that not every error has major consequences, it can help people relax a little when dining out for business.

Fatal flaw______________________________________Minor gaffe
(Major consequences)...................................................(Minor consequences)

A fatal flaw is a serious breach of dining etiquette that is easily noticed by others and can cause you to lose business, a relationship or a job offer. These mistakes include getting drunk before or during the meal, holding your fork like a pitchfork, or talking with your mouth full. One man I heard about lost a $30-million contract because he licked his knife during a meal with a potential client.

A minor gaffe is a less serious breach of dining etiquette that may or may not be noticed by others. If noticed, it is unlikely that it will be held against you unless you commit a number of minor gaffes during the meal. These gaffes include using your neighbor’s bread plate, putting on lipstick at the table, or eating soup by dipping your spoon into the bowl and moving it towards you instead of away from you.

Of course, what seems a minor gaffe to one person may be a fatal flaw to another. There are stories of a famous businessman – some say Henry Ford, others claim J.C. Penney – who decided not to hire someone because he salted his food before tasting it. Ford/Penney, so the story goes, thought this indicated that the man made assumptions without knowing all the facts.

You want to come across as a polished professional when you are dining for business. Learning as much as you can about dining etiquette makes you less likely to make fatal flaws, and more likely to navigate a business meal with success.

Additional information on dining can be found in my previous blogs: Place Settings: The Secret Language of Dining and How To Treat The Wait Staff With Respect

Pachter’s seminars and coaching services on business etiquette provide additional information about business dining. Contact Joyce at joyce@pachter.com for more information.

Note: The Dining Error Continuum™ is a trademarked name.

The Etiquette of Dining Solo

Recently, when I returned from giving a seminar in Las Vegas, I mentioned to a colleague that I had eaten by myself at a really nice restaurant. She replied that she orders room service when traveling because she is uncomfortable dining alone.

Many business travelers avoid eating by themselves. Yet dining solo doesn’t have to be unpleasant or awkward. Here are five tips to help you enjoy your food and your own company when dining alone:

1. Pick a nice restaurant. Ask for a recommendation from the hotel concierge, a colleague or your client. Inquire about any special food that the restaurant might serve, especially any local delicacy. I tried walleye fish when giving a seminar in Minnesota. There may be an excellent restaurant in your hotel. If you plan to leave the hotel, get good directions enabling you to travel safely.

2. Remember that you are not a second-class citizen--you are a paying customer. Do not be embarrassed because you are alone. Walk into the restaurant with confidence. Expect good service. If you are seated in a bad location, you can speak up and politely say, “I’d like a seat a little farther from the door.”

3. Don’t interrupt other people’s conversation. You are sharing space with strangers and it can be tempting to eavesdrop, but don’t, or at least be discreet. If you make eye contact, it may be appropriate to comment. You never know whom you may meet. If the other people do not continue the conversation, do not continue to talk.

4. The restaurant is not an extension of your office. I am not talking about a Starbucks! Relax and enjoy a pleasant dining experience. Take pleasure in your own thoughts, the time away from the hustle of your workday, and good food. Put your phone on vibrate, and if you must use your phone, speak in a quiet, conversational voice that does not disturb others. (Some good restaurants ask that you do not use cell phones.) You can read a book while waiting for your food, but make sure your electronic devises (Kindle, iPad, etc.) do not make any noise.

5. Your table manners always matter. Follow good dining etiquette guidelines. Don’t use your napkin as a tissue. Stay sober. You don’t want to be an eyesore or a distraction to others nearby. Tip generously. When I receive excellent service, I show my appreciation through a 25% tip.

Additional information on dining can be found in previous blogs: Place Settings: The Secret Language of Dining and How To Treat The Wait Staff With Respect

Place Settings: The Secret Language of Dining

My new intern, Rhyan Truett, a terrific student from Rowan University, recently attended an awards dinner and shared the following dining-etiquette questions she was asked during the meal:

-Do I have your water glass?
-What are those utensils at the top of my plate?
-Am I eating your bread?

Rhyan knew most of the answers (she’s my intern!). She is also resourceful, so she unobtrusively googled “place settings” on her SmartPhone under the table to get any information she didn’t know.

Usually, I discourage texting or cell-phone use in restaurants. But reading a place setting correctly during a business meal is important -- you want to spend your time connecting with the other diners, not worrying that you may be eating your neighbor’s bread.

Since place settings vary depending on which restaurant you visit, knowing some general guidelines can be helpful. Here are five suggestions so you don’t have to google under the table, along with an illustration of a sample place setting:

1. Use one of the following memory tricks. They will help you remember the correct placement of the plates, glasses and utensils.

-Think of the “BMW” (Bread, Meal, Water). It will remind you that your bread-and-butter plate is on the left, and water glass is on the right.

-Remember your “left” and “right.” Food is placed to the left of the dinner plate. The words food and left each have four letters; if the table is set properly, your bread or salad or any other food dish, will be placed to the left of your dinner plate. Similarly, drinks are placed to the right of the dinner plate, and the words glass and right contain five letters. Any glass or drink will be placed to the right of the dinner plate.

Left and Right also work for your utensils. Your fork (four letters) goes to the left; your knife and spoon (five letters each) go to the right.

2. Learn the utensils. Don’t be like Oscar Wilde who said: “The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.” The largest fork is generally the entrée fork. The salad fork is smaller. The largest spoon is usually the soup spoon. If you are having a fish course, you may see the fish knife and fork as part of the place setting. The utensils above the plate are the dessert fork and spoon.

3. As a general rule, navigate your plate setting from the outside in. Each course should have its own utensils.

4. Don’t panic if you use the wrong utensil. When the course arrives for which you need that utensil, just ask the waiter for another. If a dinner companion uses your utensil, quietly ask the server for another.

5. Do what your host does. If you don’t know what to do, copy what your host is doing. You may not be right, but you are not wrong.



Some of my other blogs have also discussed dining, including: How To Treat The Wait Staff With Respect.

Additional information on dining can be found in my book, When The Little Things Count...And They Always Count. If you would like additional information about business-dining seminars or coaching, contact Joyce Hoff at joyce@pachter.com or 856.751.6141.

A Dilemma: How To Use Restaurant Coupons...Politely

We finally did it! We bought a restaurant coupon from Groupon, an e-commerce organization. It sells discounted restaurant gift certificates, among other things, through its deal-of-the-day coupons.

For $20, my husband purchased a coupon worth $40. He asked whether I thought we could use the certificate when dining with another couple, and, if so, how we should handle the dinner bill. I suggested we could use the certificate and share its cost and savings with the other couple.

This could be done in several ways:

We could ask the couple to reimburse us $10 for their share of the cost of the certificate, and then apply the $40 certificate towards the payment of the bill. We would split the remaining portion of the bill equally.

If a request for reimbursement seemed awkward, another option would be to apply the $40 certificate towards the payment of the bill. After dividing the remaining portion equally, we could then add $10 to the other couple's share and deduct $10 from our portion.

If this were a couple with whom we often socialized, a third option would be for us to absorb the entire cost of the certificate. Our friends would most likely reciprocate at another time.

Here are some additional suggestions about using coupons:

Be cautious if using a coupon when dining for business. If you are the host, pay the bill away from the table. In larger restaurants, you can usually do this by excusing yourself from the table. In smaller restaurants, speaking privately with the cashier is not always possible.

Calculate the waiter's tip based on the pre-coupon amount.

If using a coupon becomes too complicated when dining with other people, don't use it. Use the discount when dining by yourself or with your significant other.

There are many other companies that offer discounts, such as Living Social. Check them out and you may find deals you can use.

Additional dining tips can be found in my etiquette book Greet! Eat! Tweet!

How To Treat The Wait Staff With Respect

When I interview sales managers, I take them to lunch to see how they treat the waiter and waitress.

Last week James Ziereis, Vice President of Sales at Caesars in Atlantic City, expressed the above sentiment while participating in a South Jersey Chamber of Commerce panel on networking.

His comment brings up an interesting etiquette question: If someone is not polite to the wait staff, will that person be polite to his or her subordinates? Many people, including company executives, believe that how you treat a waiter reveals a lot about your character.

One client told me that the president of her company disguised himself as the waiter during a pre-meeting breakfast because he wanted to observe whether members of his sales staff would greet him. Very few said “hello” or acknowledged him.

I also spoke during the networking panel, about etiquette. After the meeting, a manager wanted more information about dining and some specific recommendations for interacting with the wait staff. I gave her the following suggestions. These behaviors are not complicated, but diners who use them will be viewed by others as considerate and pleasant individuals.

1. Greet people. Say “hello,” “good morning” or “hi” when you make eye contact with the wait staff.

2. Do not speak down to the waiter. Ask for what you want politely and respectfully.

3. Say “thank you” when the waiter brings your food. You can also, at times, acknowledge the waiter’s effort with a smile or nod.

4. Be polite, if a problem occurs. Cursing at someone is not acceptable behavior. How you react in a restaurant when there is a difficult situation can show others how you would react in a challenging situation in the office.

5. Tip appropriately. If you are the host, it is your responsibility to pay the bill and add the tip. You don’t want to look like a cheapskate. The general guideline is to tip 15 - 20 percent of the pre-tax total. For most business meals you would tip 20 percent, especially if you made any special requests.

Dave Barry, a Pulitzer Prize-winning author and columnist, summed up my suggestions best when he said, “A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”

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You Had Lobster And I Had Chicken--The Etiquette Of Splitting The Bill

Two couples were out to dinner. One of the couples ordered a $120 bottle of wine. They drank it themselves. The other couple wasn’t drinking. When the bill came, the first couple didn’t provide extra for their wine and assumed the restaurant bill would be split in half.

People have gotten annoyed at friends, neighbors, coworkers, and even relatives when they are dining together and one party orders significantly more costly items than the other, and then doesn’t offer to contribute more to the bill. One woman told me she is not going out with another couple because they always order the most expensive items and expect them to share the costs.

Lately I have been getting asked a lot about sharing bills at restaurants. And since more and more people socialize with coworkers outside of work, I thought I would offer some suggestions when dining with others and splitting the bill:

1. Pay attention. I don’t believe that most people are trying to take advantage of their friends, they simply aren’t paying attention. Notice the cost of the items you are ordering and the number of courses ordered and compare them to the other diners. But you don’t want to be a nit-picker. A $16 entree is similar to a $19 entree, but not a $32 entrée. Also, there is a difference if you order an appetizer, salad, main course, coffee and dessert and everyone else just orders entrees and desserts. This applies to drinks, too.

2. Be cautious with specials. Specials usually cost more than comparable menu items, and many times waiters don’t provide their cost, unless asked. When you are with friends, you can ask the waiter the price of the item. I wouldn’t recommend doing this when dining for business.

3. Offer to pay more, if you ordered more expensive items than the rest of the group. Calculate quickly your additional share--it doesn’t have to be exact to the penny! The other couple doesn’t have to accept your offer, but what is important is that you asked. And often couples that socialize frequently have a tacit understanding that over time the cost differences balance out between them.

4. Separate checks aren’t always a solution. They can make your meal seem more like a business arrangement, instead of a social outing with friends. And, some restaurants don’t want to provide them, especially when they are busy.

5. Let it go or say something. If the other couple’s share is significantly more than yours and they don’t offer to contribute more, you can chose to speak up politely. When you look at the bill, you can say something like, “Your share is actually more than half. Why don’t you pick up the tip?” People have told me that they would never say something; they would rather just stop seeing the couple. I respond that when you are ready to end a relationship, what do you have to lose by saying something?

Don’t Wave Your Hand Over The Glass …And Other Wine Suggestions

A dining scene from Last Holiday, a 2006 comedy with Queen Latifah, caught my attention recently as I was channel surfing. Watching people dine in formal restaurants can provide good stories for my etiquette seminars—think Pretty Woman and escargot flying across the room.

This fun movie was no exception. During the meal a diner put his hand over his glass to signal that he didn’t want any more wine--just as the waiter poured the wine onto his hand!

Listed below is the way to avoid a wet hand, plus additional suggestions to feel more comfortable with wine:

1. Avoid gesturing. If you don’t want any more wine, simply say “No, thank you” to the waiter.

2. Learn about wine. If you are the host, you are in charge of the wine selection. You can defer to your guests, but then you may end up with a $300 bottle of wine that was not in your budget. There are many books and websites with lots of information about wine. You can also take a class at an adult school or wine store.

3. Use my acronym LaCEST™ to help you remember the wine-tasting steps:

• La stands for Label. The wine steward will show you the label from your bottle. You look at the label and nod approval that you have received the wine you ordered.

• C stands for Cork. The wine steward opens the bottle and places the cork on the table. Check the cork. The cork shouldn’t be dry and crumbly.

• E stands for Examine. The wine steward pours a small amount of wine into your glass. Examine the appearance of the wine. Check the color and clarity.

• S stands for Swirl/Smell. Gently swirl the wine to release the aroma and then take a sniff. If you like what you smell, chances are that it will be a good bottle.

• T stands for Taste. Take a sip and nod approval. You only reject wine if there is a problem with the wine. You don’t send back wine if it is not to your liking. Your guests’ glasses are filled first, and then yours.

Please send me your favorite movie dining mishaps. I would love to add yours to my growing list.